If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.