Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade