Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.