My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.