[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
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[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold