Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
CRYING
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.