[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
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Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.