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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Florida be like…
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.