Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
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I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Feels like there should be a middle ground
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks