I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
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Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)