mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
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Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.