“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
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Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.