i think my razor is having a panic attack
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Why soy sad?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you