I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
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The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Namaste
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password