me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I love you…
…r dog.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
🤣🤣
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.