Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!