The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
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I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.