boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“I’m helping” 😅
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I love it all
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.