No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
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Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
They’re called werewolves.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.