I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.