Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now