This made me smile…
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer