[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.