My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
You Might Also Like
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Spotted in New Orleans.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Danger is very dangerous
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*puts words between two asterisks*
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider