*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
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“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
be careful
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*