DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
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Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??