I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
You Might Also Like
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.