@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
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I think this should do it.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Happy Halloween 🎃
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.