[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Ferrari squats
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.