Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”