*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
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We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
bad news gang
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I need a headline like this
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no