Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The morning after pill, but for tweets