I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
😎 🍻
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.