89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
checking out some reviews of my local library
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO