*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
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ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Well, this is awkward
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating