Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.