I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
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PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
How to properly lift a body
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
my fav colour is also hitler
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.