Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Nice try, NASA
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Still a very good boi….
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.