Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
This is not me but this is me
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
this FaceApp is creepy af
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising