“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole