Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Something Saturday.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
honestly, i need both:
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists