Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.