Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat