“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
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🖤✌🏽
Monday
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Maths meets science
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.