Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Girl, same.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can