People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
You Might Also Like
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
hmm conte-me mais
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.