13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still