My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.