Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
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Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.