Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!